The not-so-skinny on my life so far

After a long hiatus, I have decided to return to my blog, partially because the people on my post-graduate course said I should.

It has been a bumpy ride since my last post. I would like to say that it has been an intense spiritual journey, full of surprises and heartbreak.

Well, I did lose a lot of weight.

Anyone who's been to Aberystwyth knows that it is a town full of sin and temptation, due to its high proportions of coffee shops. Those cheesecake brownies, double chocolate chip cookies, sugary caramel waffles and custard-soaked puddings were the ruin of me. They will be the ruin of you too.

Now, I know I should feel remorseful for over-indulging on these forbidden, non-nutritionist-approved foods. 

...

Anyway, when I returned from the land of Welsh cakes, I realised I was a stone overweight. And to pardon the pun, it crushed me.

Now, some say body-shaming is a good thing. If it helps people to change to healthier lifestyles, it must be a good thing and those fatties just need to stop crying and put down the pie, right?

Fat-shaming always seems to involve pie for some reason.

Well, I don't know about other people, but I can safely say that the shame does not go away once the flab does. I changed my diet and started exercising regularly, and the weight did come off, but the fear of regaining it remains.

Any weight gain, even the tiniest iota of a pound, is a failure for me. If I eat slightly more than the recommended 30g of added sugar a day, my clothes suddenly feel tighter. Being near the middle of the 'safe' zone for my BMI is not good enough. And even when my weight is the right one for my height, health websites will tell me that 'you could still lose a little more, couldn't you?'

When it's the most miserable time of the month, my stomach tends to bloat. I see myself as fat, and by extension ugly. Not to mention that the hormones turn me into a 19th century existentialist.

'God is dead and we're out of chocolate.'

Of course, this all goes far deeper than the pits of my troublesome stomach. The main tune at the back of my head is a constant drone of 'not good enough, not good enough' ad infinitum. I could always be writing more, praying more, thinking about myself less, playing less Final Fantasy XIV,* etc.

 Now, sometimes things in my life are not good enough, and it is realising that which makes things turn into 'good enough.' Criticism - even self-criticism - are vital in our spiritual, social and moral growth. The problem is when it becomes destructive rather than constructive. The drone in my head does not make me want to change. It makes me want to withdraw. It is only in looking at myself with both kindness and honesty, that I have experienced any change for the better. Destructive criticism is shallow, because it never actually tells you what is wrong. It just plays on your fears and makes them seem real. Constructive criticism not only tells you what is wrong, but also how to fix it. 

So what was the point of this post? Well, I just want to put it out there that if you are trying to lose weight, write a novel, or embark on anything grand and life-changing, shaming oneself should have no part in it. By all means be critical and make changes, but do not 'punish' yourself just because you cannot meet your own self-imposed standards. Be kind, be realistic, and most importantly, just eat the bloomin' pie!

*Actually, I probably should play a little less of that.